I had a friend over tonight to talk and think about a lot of things. One of those things was surviving ministry. So many expectations, responsibilities, opportunities...

The Church has brought out the best in me, and left me more bloody and wounded than anything else on Earth. If any pastor were honest, they would tell you the same thing.

But tonight I felt a little trapped by some of my wounds. As if they were so big that I would never rest, or laugh, or feel joy again. What was really weird was realizing that I was more on-top of stuff when I was thirty than I am now.

But after my friend left, I felt like God said this.

You were more on-top because you had less responsibility. Now you are being attacked more, damaged more, and haven't learned how to process it.

so I asked if I would be healed

and I heard

Of some things yes, of others no. But even though you felt like you used to flow better with me I have a surprise for you. The river of flow is straight and easy when you are young, but as you grow older there will be rock-slides and debris. But my Spirit will remove some rocks, and smooth out others over time. And THIS is what makes the river beautiful. It is not the gushing torrent, but the winding waterfalls that are truly majestic. So let time have her way with you, this is a new thing.

Which makes me feel a lot better, because I thought I was failing at something.

So I pray for you. That yes you would gush and rush forward in the Spirit of God. But also, that God would remove and smooth stones. That the winding river of your life journey would be the beauty of the redemption of pain.

for by his stripes [of pain] we are healed.

amen